How many calories in the average diet book?

The answer is none. They are a vacuous black hole of information. For there to be calories there would have to be substance. Information that is usable in some small way. If anyone ever starts a book-aholics meeting program let me know, I’m in.

Hello my name is Amber and I am a book addict.

This is really not anything new for those near and dear to me. I have always had a healthy appetite for knowledge. I used to draw quite a few raised eyebrows from my early primary school teachers when they would come across copies of Jane Austen in my school bag. Truthfully I find Jane Austen incredibly dull but an addict does not get picky about how they receive their fix now do they. The problem is that my healthy appetite for reading has now turned into a voracious hunger that can never be satisfied. My brain is literally morbidly obese from devouring so much useless knowledge.

An unfortunate side effect of my overloaded knowledge stores is that I seem to have become some kind of strange ” go to guy” for people’s troubles. As if my steady diet of information and useless facts have made me into some kind of jack of all trades when it comes to problem solving. I have literally overheard people tell other people ” oh, you should ask Amber about that, she’s really smart, she knows about all kinds of weird things”.

This all came to a head about six months ago when I was approached quite out of the blue and asked by a lady I barely knew why her daughter whom I had definitely never met was experiencing discomfort ” down there”. Shocked, I asked her why she was asking me, last time I checked I was not a gyno or a urologist. Apparently I had been “referred” by someone else who had heard the mythical tales and legend of the woman who knew everything about everything. I then explained to the woman that I did not in fact know everything about everything and that her daughter sounded like she needed a gynaecologist or a general practitioner at the very least. Unsatisfied by my answer, the woman pleaded with me to throw her a bone, anything she could tell her daughter who was apparently convinced she had some kind of cancer of the lady bits. Shaking my head, I simply replied ” Herpies, cystitis, urinary tract infection, chlamydia, thrush, hypochondria, tell her to go see a bloody doctor for Christs sakes!” and walked away. Needless to say, I have spent the last six months keeping a low profile around the place for fear of another impromptu Q&A session.

I can and often do read a book a day. Sometimes more. Usually my choice of book will be directed by what I am currently interested in and as we all know, that is health and fitness at the moment. I have read and owned and ebayed many many diet books already and followers of my blog will know that I have an extensive knowledge of the different diet programs out there waiting for some poor unsuspecting overweight person to stumble across them. The problem here is that I am an addict. I cannot get enough of reading and it has gotten to the stage that I will read utter crap and nonsense even though I know from the get go that they are going to be utter crap and nonsense.

I am literally a book binger. Very similar to a binge eater. I know that the burger,pizza,fried chicken etc etc that I am shovelling into my mouth is nutritionally void and is doing nothing for me but am powerless to stop. I am pleased to say that I have been able to get a handle on the binge eating but the binge reading is getting worse. I shovel the information into my brain where it gets sorted and stored for me to dredge up at a later date. I read books that I know are informationally void and know thatI will never have a need for it ever again but I can’t stop. I just keep thinking that it might make a good conversation starter one day or maybe a good blog. I am beginning to worry that if I keep filling my brain with useless garbage that It will start to take over the useful information I have stored there in the same way that bad cholesterol invades the once healthy arteries of a junk food regular. The truth is once you read it, you can’t unread it. You would think that I would have learnt my lesson after the fifty shades trauma I willingly inflicted upon myself.

Sadly no, I am struggling to learn from my book bingeing mistakes and today once again, feeling a little down after a less than stellar weigh in, I treated myself to a little mindless reading. I knew that any book entitled ” the easyweigh to lose weight” was going to be questionable but it was like a train wreck. I couldn’t not read it. I had to know what snake oil was being peddled in this little parcel of false hope.

It turned out that after a whole book of being told that you can lose weight in no time at all simply by eating all of your fave foods any time you want and in any quantity, the book was right! You CAN lose weight easily by eating all of your favourite foods in any quantities and at any time. As long as your favourite foods consist of raw vegetables and no meat, dairy or animal products of any kind whatsoever. It wasnt a vegan book, it took vegan about ten more steps to the extreme. Ok then, have fun eating your raw onions and potatoes, I kind of like , oh I don’t know, cooking my food, but hey, maybe that’s just me.

In all seriousness, the principal was that seeing as we share like 99% of the same DNA as Chimps, the logical conclusion is that we should eat the same way that chimps do. Considering I have seen chimps literally reach around and grab the faeces from their butts and then eat it right out of their hands , I think I will pass, thanks but no thanks. So really all I learned from this book today was that if I ever met an avid follower of this method face to face, I should maybe think twice before shaking their hand.

Whilst losing copious amounts of weight, Boris the Chimp still cannot figure out why everything he eats on this new diet tastes like crap???


2 thoughts on “How many calories in the average diet book?

  1. sharonseidel says:

    sorry i accidentally hit the return key halfway through my comment. i was saying that i too have a shelf full of so called wonder diets that don’t work unless you choose to abstain from putting anything that resembles normal food in your mouth. i, like you am done and think we need to take a sensible stand against the chimp mentality – no poo flinging for us!

  2. nic77e says:

    Oh you always make me laugh out loud … !

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