You know how people tell you not to make any major decisions like cutting your hair when you are angry? I wonder if that rule applies to blogging. I am not angry per se, just sad but all in all it is probably not a great frame of mind to blog in. In fact I should probably warn you that if you want your day to stay all shiny and happy (assuming it was going that way already) you should probably stop reading now. I have no end goal in sight with this blog. I am in a less than stellar frame of mind and I have no idea where this is headed. If you choose to read on, consider yourself warned.
I find it utterly incredible how swiftly our emotions can shift from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. I do not suffer from depression in its clinical, heavily medicated form but I am just as prone to a touch of situational depression as the next person. This I get, I understand it. Bad things happen, sad things happen, it affects you on a core level and you feel the appropriate emotion for the situation. It is completely normal and in no way requires mind numbing medication. In fact if things like the death of a loved one did not upset you then that would be abnormal.
It is not the depth of the emotion that astounds me but how fast our brains can go from a place of utter contentment to absolute despair. It must be the manic-depressive in us all. I think what it really goes to show is just how little control we actually have over the day-to-day running of our lives. You can think you have got everything sorted. Your plan in place but sometimes life steps in and just takes the left turn instead of the right you had intended to take. Quite often a chain reaction of events is sparked which ends up washing you up in a place that is maybe not totally unfamiliar but none the less still not where you had planned to be.
The other thing that astounds me is the ability at the ripe old age of 31 to still feel an overwhelming sense of crushing, gut wrenching rejection. I would have thought that all of those years at primary school, then high school and then finding my way in the world as a young adult would have toughened me up but apparently even in our 30’s we are still entirely capable of being made to feel like the only girl at school who didn’t get an invite to the popular girls party.
All of this reflection comes amidst the sadness of my best friend losing her dad to cancer last night. She would also be feeling these swift, pendulum like swings in emotion herself at this very moment. She is very dear to me and my heart aches for her and the grief she would be experiencing along with her family. I can only hope that she was given the opportunity to say the things she wanted to say and hear the things she needed to hear before he passed.
So in closing today, I would like to request something of you, my loyal blog readers, I promise it won’t take up more than even 1 minute of your time. Just realise that every moment is precious. Tell the ones you love how you feel. Even if it is awkward and uncomfortable. Even if you don’t get the response you were hoping for or if you don’t get a response at all. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that if for some unforseen reason, that happened to be the last time you ever saw that person, you would always know that they knew exactly how much you cared for them.